And Grandma brought it up

Grandma brought up the subject again, to which I fell silent. How or what am I suppose to say? I honestly didn't know what to tell her. She found out eventually and told me off, to which again I fell silent. Not that I dun wanna fight and defend myself but it's saddening to hear her bring that name up again. It's not that I dun wanna hear it. I do, I really do.

I wanna see that face again, wanna talk to her normally again. I really wonder how she is.

Most of my nights are spent on wishful thinking, seeing tears dropping from the sky, till I fall asleep. All I know right now is she's "ok" and she doesn't ... fuck this..